A New Kind of Heroics
by Penblade the Bard
Summary: In a world where a single "guild" based on making a profit has monopolized the entire superhero business, Leo and Aeris live normal lives until an unlikely day when, well, read and you'll find out.
1. Chapter 1

Excerpt from the Superhero Handbook...

_ To join the Guild of Superheroes is the crowning achievement of every superhero's life, and the driving ambition of every junior hero, justice seeking civilian, and masked vigilante. But before being accepted into the Guild of Superheroes, every aspiring hero must pass the following requirements, so as to ensure that only the best and strongest heroes are the ones out there facing the threats too big for a single hero. They must..._

_ 1. -have a back-story._

_ 2. -have a costume with special properties._

_ 3. –Pick a name for themselves._

_ 4. -have a comic book dedicated to you._

_ 5. -acquire an arch nemesis._

_ 6. -get a movie deal (bonus props for an origin movie)._

_ 7. -get a videogame deal._

_ 8. -defeat a super villain._

_ 9. And -pass the written test._

_ These requirements were set in place by the founders of the Guild, and are there to ensure the continued purity and strength of the Guild. Any hero who fails on any of these statutes will not be allowed to enter the Guild and stripped of their hero status, for both the Guild's continued integrity and the failing hero's safety. Only the best can be heroes, after all._

** And from here we'd begin the harrowing tale of two intrepid heroes and their many battles against the forces of evil; unfortunately those particular intrepid heroes were busy. So we'll just tell you the story of these losers instead.**

"SELLOUT!"

Leo flinched and wriggled a finger in his ringing grey ear as Aeris screamed at the storefront about a hundred feet ahead of them. Between the two cats and the store was a barely defined line of eager gamers waiting for the store to open so they could be the first to buy the newly released "Pantsman" game. The gamers were so excited and milling about so impatiently in fact that it would probably be better to call them a mob; Leo wrinkled his nose reflexively at the smell of the horde; a smelly mob.

Dragged unwillingly from the blissful trance-like state of playing on his DS, Leo sighed and flipped it shut. Stuffing it into the pocket of his blue jeans, alongside a PSP, a Gameboy, and about a dozen game , he turned to regard Aeris wryly. They were here to buy "Pantsman: Rise of the Zombie Briefs" just like everyone else. The pink feline harrumphed agitatedly and crossed her arms over her chest when no one responded to her shout, "Stupid Pantsman. God-damned superheroes." She grumbled angrily, "In my day superheroes had dignity... most of them."

"In your day?" Leo repeated incredulously, "Aeris, we're barely old enough to drink. You're not allowed to say _in my day_ for at least twenty years yet."

Aeris glared at the smiling tabby, "When I was a kid then..." she amended.

"You are acting kind of childishly." Leo mused with a smile.

Aeris snarled, balling her fists, "Whatever! It's just disgusting. Look at that!" She waved a paw vaguely at a twenty foot tall billboard depicting Pantsman advertising some brand of toothpaste or other, "What self respecting superhero advertises! The movies and games I get, but TOOTHPASTE!"

"Uh, Aeris?" Leo slid up next to his friend, putting his head beside hers, and swept a paw across their field of vision, encompassing the whole skyline, "They all do that." Dozens of billboards almost exactly like the one depicting Pantsman were scattered across the city, on the tops of buildings and suspended above intersections, in the middle of parks and on the sides of skyscrapers. Here Ironman was endorsing a new lunchbox from Stark Technologies with a built in reactor, there the Green Lantern was advertising his new line of cheap, plastic masks mimicking his, even Spiderman was about, supporting different pizzerias. "All of them superheroes, all of them sellouts. Well, maybe not Ironman, since he owns the company technically."

Shockingly, Leo's demonstration did not make Aeris feel better. In an even worse mood than before, she hunched her shoulders and lashed her tail irately, glaring dangerously at anyone who met her gaze and gaining her and Leo a sudden bubble of space around them as other people waiting in the mob/line backed away cautiously.

Half an hour later the store opened, and three minutes after that every last copy of "Pantsman: RotZB" had been sold, stolen, or otherwise removed from the premises. Leo and Aeris, being cats and naturally nimble, had been in and out with their copy before the first punches flew (Excluding the punches always delivered by Aeris when she had to interact with people), receiving minimal injury. Leo had been trampled at least twice in the frenzy and Aeris had bruised her knuckles when she missed some guy's face and hit the wall instead, giving the wall a nasty crack, but other than that, they arrived back at Leo's house unscathed.

Planting themselves on the couch, Leo put in the game while Aeris brushed potato chip crumbs off her side of the couch. They started the game and soon Aeris' mood had improved, somewhat. What had once been directionless anger at all Superheroes, was now focused anger at the bosses and minions in the game. And even that cooled as they got further through the game. She even laughed at a few of Pantsman's cheesy one-liners.

"It's just like the real Pantsman," Leo commented and Aeris chuckled her agreement. They were in the Pantscave at the moment, where Pantsman and Briefboy went between missions in the game, and they were playing a minigame involving shots of vodka. Leo and Aeris snickered at the cutscene at the end of the minigame, with Pantsman falling asleep in the bathtub, but Aeris' laugh suddenly cut off. She stared critically at the screen, now showing a view of the city near the Pantscave, studying it. Then she jumped to her feet and shouted, "God-damn it! I knew it! How the Hell didn't I see this coming!"

Leo almost asked what she was talking about, then he saw it. Most of the city on the screen was black, except for a few lit windows, and the billboards advertising products. "Damn," Leo breathed in surprise, staring at the screen as Aeris ranted and stalked around the room, flinging her arms around. When he was finished staring in disappointment Leo turned to talk to Aeris but he had to quickly duck his head to avoid a flailing appendage. "Hey! Calm Down Aeris." He got to his feet and tried to calm Aeris down, but he wasn't doing so well trying to dodge at the same time. "Aeris... I... Hey... Aeris I... STOP THAT!" Leo lurched forward and grabbed his pink friend's arms, keeping a firm grip on them as she tried to wrestle away from him. "What the Hell Aeris! Why are you so upset about this? It's not the first time you've seen a superhero get sucked headlong into the Guild and its laws." Aeris continued to struggle for almost a whole minute, but she eventually stopped and looked at Leo levelly, face still twisted slightly in anger. Leo got a good look at her face and loosened his paws in shock, "Aeris... are, are you crying?"

Thump!

Leo fell to his knees with a wheeze, clutching his stomach and slowly falling onto his side. Aeris flexed her fist, glaring down at Leo, then looked away and muttered, "Yes."

"Mind if I ask why?" Leo gasped breathlessly; his lungs had been rearranged slightly.

"It's just," Aeris sat on the floor with her back to the wall, ignoring Leo's slow, painful death, "All the heroes I grew up with, Superman, Spiderman, Batman, I looked up to them. They were supposed to be pillars of justice and the right, then they all sold themselves to the highest bidder. I hated them for that, but I held on wherever I could. When one sold out, I grabbed onto another, and when they sold out, well, you get it. Leo nodded as thoughtfully as he could; the edges of his vision were going dark. "I guess Pantsman was just the last straw."

"Yeah," Leo wheezed, going purple in the face, "That's gotta be tough."

Aeris nodded, "Mm-hmm. It hurt losing that last hero, but I guess that means there aren't any more to lose then." She gave a half hearted chuckle.

"Pain, yeah, I know how that feels," Leo twitched slightly, losing motor function.

"Yep... Oh, sorry." Aeris shuffled over to Leo so she was over top of him and socked him hard in the chest. The momentarily dead grey tabby gasped loudly and started gulping in air as Aeris giggled.

When he was reasonably sure he wouldn't drop dead if he stood up, Leo got to his feet, using the back of the couch for support. *cough, cough* "Oh, that hurt. Thanks Aeris."

"No problem. You know I got your back... unless of course anyone ever hears that I was, crying." She brandished a fist quite seriously beneath Leo's nose.

Leo backed up a few paces, "Hey, Don't worry. I'll keep quiet. Besides," He adjusted his collar, "I agree with you."

"You do?"

"Yup. This whole Superhero's Guild has been nothing but a bad idea since it began. We used to have real heroes that saved the day because it was the right thing to do, but now all we've got are a bunch of guys getting fat and minty off gift baskets full of toothpaste. Mark my words, someday the world's gonna need its heroes to save it again, and on that day, we are all going to be royally screwed."


	2. Chapter 2

Meanwhile, in the main meeting hall of the Superheroes' Guild...

Pantsman grinned in his seat at the giant, round table dominating the center of the hall. His videogame had come out that day, meaning he'd finally met all the requirements of becoming an official superhero. No more small town stuff, now he was running in the big leagues, he was going to protect the world from the BIG threats like alien invasion, asteroid apocalypse, and soil erosion. At the moment however, his new, supposedly uber fantastic life was a bit dry, though that didn't dampen his enthusiasm. Superman had the floor and he was reading from a clipboard about the last quarter's profits. Exciting!

After about an hour of this Pantsman was slumped in his seat, making soft burbling sounds as he pretended to die from boredom. Aquaman elbowed him in the ribs, "Quit that, I'm trying to pay attention," the irate hero hissed.

"Hey, when do we go and save the world?" Pantsman asked, yawning halfway through and ignoring the hero's poor mood, "I thought that was what superheroes, y'know, did. So far I haven't seen much doing around here."

"We've been doing plenty," Tony Stark said, sitting on Pantsman's other side. The billionaire inventor downed the last of his latest martini and launched into an explanation "We discussed a bunch of important business opportunities, had a few arguments about what color scheme the new wing should be, we even took a poll about how we should spend the funds from the Pepsi commercials, then we blah blah blah, blah blahbiddy blah, blah blick-black blah." Pantsman sighed loudly and pitched forward, hitting his face on the tabletop with a resounding thud. Superman stopped in the middle of a sentence and everyone swiveled around to look at Pantsman. Tony looked surprised, then noticed everyone watching. He put his hands up innocently, "Wasn't me!"

Superman frowned at Pantsman, "Are we boring you-"

"Yes!" Pantsman yelled, face still glued to the table. "I wanna go save the world from imminent danger, may I be excused?"

A few of the gathered superbeings snickered, but Superman just sniffed in disapproval. He slipped on a pair of reading glasses and scanned his clipboard, "Hmmm, well as it just so happens we do have some manual business that needs doing. A few heroes have gone missing as of late, all of them after going near an island in the north Pacific. We were going to take care of it after lunch, but if you insist..."

"And I do insist."

"Mm-hmm, fine then. Tony, Bruce, Robin? The four of us and Pantsman will be going to the North Pacific it appears. Bring a coat."

"Internal heating system," Tony bragged in a sing-song voice, his suit fitting itself to him where he sat. Superman sighed and rolled his eyes, giving up the floor and handing his clipboard and reading glasses to the Green Lantern as he, Tony, Bruce, and Bruce's sidekick walked toward the door at the back of the room. Pantsman jumped up from his own seat and followed the senior heroes. *Finally,* He thought, glad to finally be getting to work. As the Superhero quartet (and Robin) left the hall, the Green Lantern was preparing a powerpoint slideshow. Pantsman didn't know what it was about, but he sped up to a jog in order to escape.

Somewhere in the North Pacific...

"What does this button do?"

Boop! Ka-chunk.

Batman sighed in a long suffering tone, even though they'd take off only an hour ago. He hunched in his seat at the controls of the Batplane, "It would appear, that particular button you just pressed, ejects the emergency fuel. You had better hope they've got a gas station on this island."

"Y'think we should eject him?" Robin whispered from the seat behind Batman's.

"No," Batman said grudgingly, "At least, not until I figure out how he got back in after we ejected him the first time." A buzzer went off and Batman flipped a switch near the intercom connected to a headset he's given Superman, and the cellphone in Tony's suit. "You have reached the Batplane."

Superman's voice crackled through, accompanied by the high pitched whine of the wind, "We're almost at the island. If you need to get anything ready I'd suggest doing it now."

"Duly noted," Batman replied, already pushing buttons and flipping more switches. While he was doing that, Pantsman had stumbled on a bunch of fuzzy satellite photos of the island they'd be storming on the plane's computer. It only took a few seconds for him to see something was wrong.

Pantsman furrowed his brow and pushed the button for the intercom while still looking at the photos, "Hey, Clark? Tony? Uh, yeah, I'm looking at some photos of the area, and I was wondering, why does this island appear to have been, y'know, nonexistent until about a week ago!"

Ironman made a noncommittal sound, "Mm-mm, I dunno."

"You... You're not even the slightest bit, worried about this?" Pantsman asked incredulously.

This time Superman answered, "Not really. I've faced my fair share of suddenly appearing islands."

"Really, it's not that much more implausible than, say, aliens."

"And when was the last time you met an alien?" Pantsman demanded.

"Just recently, perhaps you've met him. The man from Krypton?"

"Oh... right," Pantsman muttered, feeling foolish.

"There it is," Superman interjected, with a hint of a held in snicker in his voice.

Indeed, they were coming up on the island, and Pantsman got a good look at it on approach as Batman put the plane on autopilot. It wasn't particularly big, only about a quarter of a mile in diameter, with a volcanic cone rising up in the center of the landmass. Pantsman wasn't exactly sure that the volcano was natural though, and it wasn't just the fact that it had risen from the ocean in less than twenty four hours. The whole thing was, as far as he could tell, absolutely symmetrical, and more than that, it didn't have a single plant on its surface, and looked utterly smooth. "That's... different." He deadpanned.

"I, uh, I've not seen anything like that before," Superman admitted.

"Wait, do you hear that?" Tony asked.

"Hear what?" Batman asked.

"Some sort of high pitched whine, like, uh, kinda like a fan on high."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Oh, you can't be serious."

On the Island...

Pantsman leaned over the lip of the volcano and whistled, the sound lost in the roar of air being sucked in, "Damn." Down, far below the surface of the ocean around them, a fan the size of helicopter blades on steroids spun at what must have been near the speed of sound. Batman and Robin leaned in next to him to get a look at the fan.

"Looks like you were right Pantsman," Tony said, walking up the steep slope, "I just scanned the island," Pantsman nodded urgently, "and it is definitely not natural."

Pantsman scowled in disbelief, "What! You had to do a scan to figure that out! I could have told you that from the plane!"

"Well, now we've got proof," Tony countered.

Pantsman fumed, ready to punch Ironman in his iron face, but then Superman came flying up, landing gracefully next to Ironman, "It's solid, no entrance besides this," He pointed at the fan shaft.

"Do we go in?" Batman asked, backing away a few steps from the shaft with Robin copying him.

"Looks like it," Superman replied, then clapped his hands, "All right; Tony, you get Robin, Bruce you should be fine on your own, and I'll take Pantsman."

Pantsman glanced over his shoulder with dread then back at Superman, "Take me where?" Robin climbed onto Ironman's back and Batman readied his cape for gliding as Superman walked up to Pantsman, "Take me where!" Superman grabbed the back of his shirt and lifted him into the air. They walked to the edge of the shaft, "Oh Hell no!" Superman swan-dived into the shaft, Ironman did a cannonball, whooping excitedly, while Batman just jumped feet first, "Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!"

They plummeted down the shaft, Pantsman's womanly shriek lost in the rushing air current. The giant fan blades rose up to meet them, Superman dove straight into the fan... and six industrial sized blades snapped off as they hit him in quick succession, driving themselves into the wall. Pantsman's shriek cut off as they continued down through a long, twisting tunnel, "Oh, right, Man of Steel. Ah-heh." Superman ignored him.

As they flew through the tunnel, the walls began to change. They remained a tunnel, but pipes and offshoots started appearing, and only got more frequent until the original stone walls were hidden by dense forests of pipes following the contours of the tunnel interspersed with vents leading to God knew where.

After a few minutes Pantsman frowned and wriggled a finger in his ear. There was some sort of high pitched whine or buzz maybe coming from somewhere ahead of them. As they got deeper into the construct the noise got louder, until they finally reached the end of the tunnel, letting out through the roof of a spherical cavern the size of a city, but the size of the cavern was almost not enough to hold what occupied the cavern's center.

"Wow," Pantsman whispered in wonder. Dominating the cave was the largest computer he had ever seen. It looked like it was just being finished too; massive pieces of titanium plating were still being welded into place over top of still exposed circuitry. What grabbed Pantsman's attention a few seconds later however was that there were no human's in the cave to be welding anything, no half-humans either like his acquaintances Leo and Aeris. There weren't even any robot workers, which might have been expected to be serving a computer of this size. There were a lot of glowing plates lying around though.

They exited the tunnel, one of several emptying into the cavern, perhaps part of a cooling system, and flew around the massive computer to a platform about the size of a small parking lot, with a blank monitor equally as big looming over it. "I suppose this is just run of the mill, everyday stuff as well, hmm? Giant computers in the bowels of a fake volcano?" Pantsman asked as they dropped down.

Superman answered while plopping Pantsman back on the ground, "Well, maybe not the volcano part, and we still haven't proven that it's a fake island..."

"We're inside it!"

"...But other than that, yes. Giant computer, obviously sentient? Nothing to worry about."

"I faced one just last weekend," Ironman said proudly as Robin hopped off his back and Batman fluttered down to the platform.

Pantsman looked around curiously, "So now what? Do we just start breaking things?"

"I like this guy," Ironman said approvingly, charging up his blasters.

"No, I'm afraid not," Superman said sternly, like he was reprimanding a child. Ironman sadly lowered his blasters, "There is, after all, a protocol to this sort of thing." From an unseen pocket in his tights Superman pulled out a personal organizer, "Let's see, enormous sentient computer, subsection 4, part 3, ah here it is. First we break into the computer's lair, next we discuss things amongst ourselves, then comes the monologue."

Right on cue, the giant computer monitor roared to life, a flat, green line appearing horizontally in the middle of the screen, fluctuating like and oscilloscope as a deep, bass, monotone voice called out from hidden speakers, "That's actually a bit creepy, knowing what's going to happen before it does. But that's beside the point. Welcome, meat sacks, to your doom!" Pantsman gulped involuntarily, "Hmm, but what's this? My scans indicate that only one of you is even close to wetting their spandex tights. You do realize I have to kill you right?" A slight note of perplexity tinged the computer's voice.

Superman replaced his organizer to his pocket, "Oh we're quite aware of what you think you'll do to us, but the protocols covered that as well. You no doubt have a special weapon or defense system you think will be able to destroy us and allow you to complete your evil and/or dastardly plan, which would be?" He prompted.

"Oh no! I'm not falling for that old trick. The day I start monologuing is the day I'll wipe my own hard drive," The computer insisted fervently. "Besides, I'm about to kill you anyway, so there's no real point to it, is there?"

"No point to not tell us either then, is there?" Superman countered.

"Nope, forget it, I'm not saying anything," The computer said solidly.

While this exchange was going on, Ironman had started looking around and had picked up one of the glowing squares. "Wait... What the Hell! Hey Bruce, take a look at this." He waved Batman, and subsequently Robin, over and held up the square, "It's an Ipad."

"Yes! Ipads!" The computer said proudly, "Through my puppet Tim Cook I have created an army of mind controlling machines already spread across the globe! Gah, damn it! You got me monologuing! I'm afraid I won't stand for that." Pantsman was getting a tad bored. This was turning out to be just the everyday evil A.I. At least, until the computer said, "Hey Ironman, looky here." Ironman looked up at the computer screen and the fifty foot word DELETE suddenly appeared in place of the oscilloscope, accompanied by a loud *Boop*, then instantly switched back.

Everyone looked at the screen, waiting for something to happen, but nothing immediately noticeable occurred. Eventually Superman sighed, "Yeah, I think we'll just start dismantling you now. Get to work boys." He stared menacingly at the computer as Batman and Robin grabbed weapons from their belts. Pantsman meanwhile was watching Ironman worriedly. The superhero hadn't moved a hair since the computer told him to look up. He apprehensively creapt toward him as Superman's expression changed to one of shock.

"What's up Clark?" Batman asked.

"My... My heat vision, my powers. They're not working!" He almost shouted, his voice growing panicked. And if he wasn't panicking yet, he would be soon, because at that moment Pantsman pushed on Ironman's shoulder to see if he'd respond. The only response though was Ironman's suit toppling forward, the helmet coming off, and dust pouring out of it.

"Holy Sh*t Batman!" Robin screamed. By Batman's slack-jawed, horrified face, he agreed.

"Oh Batman," The computer cooed, and the Dark Knight made the mistake of looking up. *DELETE* Robin screamed again as his mentor turned to dust.

Superman and Pantsman made a fast point to look away from the computer, but that only made them aware of new dangers. The Ipads all over the cave, previously inert, were now somehow hovering up off the ground and flying towards them. Superman tried to swat away the first to reach him, but it merely stopped in midair about a foot from him and Superman's fist was gripped in an invisible vice. As more and more surrounded him, adding their own techno-telekinetic force to Superman's prison, The Man of Steel quickly lost the ability to move at all and was, in short order, lifted off the ground, turned around with his eyes open, and deleted.

As this was all happening the computer dropped its previous monotone and laughed wildly, "Hahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaa! Simple meat beings! I can delete any superhero whose name has ever even _**briefly**_ graced the internet! Isn't that hilarious! Mwahahahahahaaaaa!"

In way over his head, Pantsman grabbed and put on Ironman's gauntlets, also grabbing the boots, using the blasters to destroy any Ipad before they got close enough to attack. He heard Robin shriek and suddenly get cut off, and started sprinting madly for the edge of the platform with the boots held under his left arm. A swarm of Ipads flying after him, and the massive computer laughing insanely behind, Pantsman jumped from the edge of the platform and plummeted, trying to pull the boots on before he hit bottom.

As he made his attempted escape, the computer was focusing on something else. Using clips of the heroes' voices it was compiling a message, urging every superhero who heard it to come to the island as "reinforcements." It's message was sent out across the globe in a matter of seconds, calling every hero on the face of the planet to their doom.


End file.
